Simpleton whaaaaaat?

I was dragged along by the mother to meet yet another boy yesterday and it was in fact quite hilarious. I went not knowing anything about the fellow. Not even his name. This was arranged by the brother’s father-in-law, who is an ex policeman now engaged in the suitor business. The involvement of this man alone should have told something to the parents, but in their desperation to find me a man I suppose they had no choice but to overlook that factor. So the usual drill. Since we had just got back from a trip to the hills, the mother was anxious that I go to a salon and fix my sunburnt face. I wanted to get my hair done so I did just that. Shit hit the ceiling when she realized that I had done nothing about my face and that I had in fact gone on to do my hair and cut a fringe too while I was at it. The aversion she has when it comes to a fringe is in no way mild. She absolutely loses it. She in fact came on to me with a scissor threatening to cut it all off. It was hard not to laugh. But it was no longer funny when she slapped my sister in frustration. Anyway she continued yelling at me for around 45 minutes, apparently now my face looks like a ´sack of rice´. Anyway so the usual pre proposal meet up drill followed. I had to get an earful of her mouthful until I went off to put some home-made face mask concoction of a sort, an instant mix for ´fair and beautiful skin´. Followed by the hoarding of gold jewellery and ‘not enough powder put some more!’, ‘put more eye liner’ , ‘where is the lipstick can’t even see´. Then the aunt gives me lessons on how to talk like I’m interested etc. We finally get into the vehicle to get to the agreed venue. After about fifteen mins of waiting the dude and Co arrive. I won’t go into detail but its a total mismatch, to say we are worlds apart is the nicest way I can put it. So we take our seats, males on one table and females on another. Awkward conversation follows. I take my phone out to see a text from dad ‘just be nice its okay even I don’t like’. Really? So anyway after some polite conversation the meeting ended we got back into our vehicle and wham that’s when the bomb went off. Mother blames dad saying it was all his fault for not going and checking on the dude properly and how he can’t even get that right to which he goes on about how if something goes wrong it’s always him, but if the boy was good the situation would be different. Sigh he is clearly on point. After about seven minutes of arguing between themselves dad turns it all on me, ‘why did you say no even without looking?’. Me: Because I don’t really have to talk to figure things out. What you’ll figured out after talking, I was able to figure out just by looking. Dad: What so now you’re God? Me: Yeah i’m almost there. Dad: Stop judging on appearance! Me: Yeah but we both arrived at the same conclusion…. Mother takes a different turn, ‘you rejected all the good proposals one after the other big, now very good when these goday ones (simpleton) (gee mother you shouldn’t be saying that) come up. Very good. All your fault’. Me: Yes as you can see I’m devastated. Then followed another harangue of how I’m influenced by the wrong people and that I should be stopped from going to work and that it is because I have the means that I do everything as I please “like cut a fringe”. Sigh the hilarity. Then the dad raises the possibility of me playing for the other team at which the mother glares daggers at him and goes ‘She has some bloody jinn (spirit) in her noh, do something about that first!’ This was followed by reverting back to “dude unfortunate” (https://snobregal.wordpress.com/2015/04/11/dude-unfortunate/) and why I don’t like him and that if “fat” is my problem how that could be fixed by directing him to a gym. The audacity! To tell them that “fat” isnt my problem but the “crazy manhunt” is would be next to impossible cause I’m telling you, I sure have tried!

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The Expert

The brother is currently in the country, resting from a knee surgery to replace a torn ligament. Now this injury dates to an incident where he jumped off a relatively high structure whilst in school just to prove that he can. Of course he can. He is still alive. And the rest of us are busy.

Well this brother of mine, currently resting from the surgery, despite being younger than me is already married, his wife expecting a baby, no sooner the wedding. Well maybe due to his marital status, his impending fatherhood or some other similar logic my brain can’t quite fathom, he has been elevated to a status of authority. He is now an expert on women’s affairs. He gets to bitch about my way of life, whether my sister should be allowed to take-part in extra school activities, whether she should be allowed to meet her friends beyond a certain hour, he gets to sit in on important family discussions and his ‘valuable input’ is taken into consideration, which generally borders on the likes of she shouldn’t be doing this, she shouldn’t be doing that. Tosh.

However, we get to contribute to his life too. For instance, he cannot buy a shirt or a shoe by himself. Not even the counsel of his wife suffices. So yesterday, I tagged along with the two of them, along with my other little brother and the aunt to pick shirts and shoes for him. So I and my little brother would walk around picking shirts for him to try on. Then we’d appraise it while he puts them on and then pays for it. Same with the shoes. We were stuck for nearly an hour trying to pick shoes for the poor guy. He put on a pair and turned to his wife, she responded with an “I don’t know”. I’m thinking a simple yes or no would do. Surely, one would have an opinion.

Next we had to pick shoes for her. We covered around four shoe shops all in which she walked around like she was in a trance while we did the picking. “Do you like this?” “this?” “how about this?” I could tell even the aunt who is usually pretty tolerant was pissed. Well weirdly though when it comes to food, she can be specific. She wanted ribbon cake yesterday. The previous shopping expedition she wanted samosas. Yay. She is showing promise yeah?

Couple of days back we had to take them shopping for baby stuff. Cots, cot sheets, blankets etc. We nearly got killed (slight exaggeration maybe) when the brother decided to light some dynamite like object INSIDE THE CAR WITH THE SHUTTERS UP. It lit up emitting a crazy red flame, smell and hissing noise and he tries blowing on it to put out the damn thing. He continued with his frantic blowing until the aunt goes “throw it out of the window!”  I couldn’t help but think, he is going to have a baby….

Anyway at the babyshop when the wife consults him about a particular cot, he shrugs, “I don’t know”. Its almost as if the only thing these two can manage by themselves is to get the baby-making process set and going whilst everything else related and otherwise has to be decided by the rest of the world. And somehow he is more an expert on how we should live our lives than we could possibly ever be.

I worry about their future child, well children because I’m sure an army is to follow. Him with his care-free attitude, and she with women are nothing more than chattel disposition I have a feeling that we will have to play more of a role than a casual bystander in ensuring first the ‘continuity of their lives’ and then everything related. Joy! Oh but while I do it, I sure do have to put a shawl on!