A Selfie, please?

The most eventful proposal for this year (even though it’s only February) has been the most recent one; the after effects of which I am still reeling from. It has been distressing to the point that I’d go to sleep not wanting to wake up the next day. Oh well.

This latest dude has apparently been rejecting so many proposals but on “seeing my picture” and mind you nothing else he was convinced “that I was the one God had erm decided for him”. Er. According to the mother (of mine) I am very lucky because this is not the conventional proposal. Like hell ’tis not.

I am not really sure how it all started but I know that the two points of contact, are the dude’s father and the mother (of mine) who have been going to lengths to make the match a reality; the father because this is the one proposal the son is interested in, and the mother (of mine) because well it’s high fucking time. So, phone numbers were exchanged and I was told ( in more ways that one) to talk very nicely to the boy. One fine morning I wake up to receive a message from the fellow’s father “suggesting that I message the son because the son had tried multiple times to get through”. I suggested the father that he perhaps tell his son to email me. I also mentioned my suspicion. “Multiple times?”. I’m sure dude’s father would have updated the mother (of mine) also suggesting that I should perhaps text the son, and in no time the mother (of mine) began the process of badgering me to initiate conversation, “because he tried”, “several times”. She’d come over in person, call, text as well as get my aunt to do this. For instance, if I ignored the call she’d call my aunt to make me pick up the phone. Gah. Anyway No way in hell was I going to initiate conversation with someone I have no intention of having anything to do with. Right?

So in order to make things easy for me, one fine day the aunt gets her husband to call the dude, and then tells the dude that I wanted to talk and lands the phone on me. Fuck. Awkward, I say hello only to get ambushed by a solid British accent. For about 30 seconds I was distracted until I heard a weird noice (or my natural suspicion) from near my window, to see my aunt peeping through to see whether I was actually talking. That brought me back to earth. After the conversation ended, late into the night I had miscalls (to my phone) which I chose to ignore and some messages asking me what I’m upto. Whether I’m free. Er yeah well I chose to ignore that.

Shit hit the fan the next day. The mother (of mine) who came over and aunt were hounding me about how the conversation was going. Do you like? Are u speaking nicely? What is he saying? (All this in less than a day) Naturally I was annoyed. Then a very loud conversation between the two sisters and one of their brothers take place where the brother inquires as to why proposals piss me off so much, whether I am not interested in marriage and if I am not, to then stop this all together. For about a minute I was like whoa. Finally. The aunt replies yeah then she will say she is not interested, to which her brother goes call her. So I was summoned and made to sit. I was asked the question to which I replied that I was simply not interested in these proposals. One started crying, the other started threatening and the uncle tried to maintain the peace. He asked the one crying, to stop the drama, the one threatening to stop being a moron and then told me to talk to the new dude and bag the deal. Err what happened to that whole thing about it won’t work  if she’s not interested? Then he asks me how long I need to talk to the fellow and see. I say online? Without having ever met the dude? (Well these are just excuses because no way in hell, not a fucking proposal)  I say I need to meet in person. I also said how can I give a time, you can’t put a date to it. Apparently you go into something with a target he says, for instance when you do a degree you know you will complete it in three years. Similarly with a business venture. No amount of me saying that the two aren’t the same could convince him. So just to shut the whole lot up and to basically leave that toxic meeting I said three months. Then comes the bullet. Apparently the dude and his family wants to have the wedding in August so three months is not sufficient because then there wouldn’t be enough time to plan a wedding. So no one even thought that it was important to tell me about the bigger plan? August business? The hell. The fellow is supposed to have lived in the U.K. all his life and he’s alright with just meeting a couple of days before the wedding? Damn it, such a waste of that accent. Anyway they decide to instead give me two months and then the discussion went in the direction of how to tell the dudes father about the two months thing, most importantly without the dude getting to know it. It was also agreed to m, that the two sisters would stop badgering me for two months. So I thought fine, two months to figure out a plan.

So I had to message the fellow, who lost no time in getting right into the deal, that his folks want him to get married in August. When I asked whether he’d be cut off from his inheritance if he didn’t comply, he didn’t find it too funny. When I said surely, you’ve got to meet before he says yes I can come down in April to finalize matters. Wtf. What planet are you from? I put up a non too flattering picture on whatsapp hoping to ward him off. Then the dude asks me whether those were my friends with me to which I said obviously. Then he asks me to share some “casual selfies” to which I replied that I’m not a fan of selfies. The conversation ended there. What sort of nut job asks for selfies after speaking for less than a day? I mean what planet is this loser from?

The next day the mother (of mine) calls to find out what happened because apparently dude had whined to daddy that I don’t seem to be interested or serious in this thing. He had also whined to daddy about my age, and if I’m not ready now when will I ever be? Mother wanted to know what I did. I used the selfie story to which she goes yeah but just to see you know, what’s wrong? Wow. So she says she has to “think”, hangs up on me and immediately her sister’s phone rings. I overhear words like “call”, “Skype” and figure out that I’d have to end up talking to the fellow. She immediately calls me back saying I should video chat with the fellow and when I say no way and point out that the conversation stopped because the fellow never replied, she responds by saying that he might be hurt by my response when I said “I’m not comfortable with selfies” (although I said not a fan of selfies I had to replace it with this because she’d bring the roof down) and that I should have explained why I didn’t want to send selfies. Besides she didn’t really see anything wrong with sending them. This is desperation on another level. I refused to initiate anything. I think she may have messaged the dudes dad who told her that she needs to stop forcing me and that by forcing she will be ruining my life. The mothers next course of action was to badger me into messaging the dudes father to indicate that I was not forced. Lord. My family does have a conflated view on words like “force” and “threaten”. I refused to do anything of that sort. She kept calling and messaging me throughout the day to check whether I called and would yell at me to speak to the fellow and show interest. Interest that I simply did not have. Then she’d accuse me of being selfish and only think of myself (which I know is the same thing)and that I’d suffer the consequences of all this later. Most of the time I’d just hold the phone well away from my ear and in her enthusiasm she would not even notice. Sigh. For instance the day before yesterday, I was out at a discussion (which she was very well aware of) she called me again to check, and when I said no didn’t message, won’t message, she wanted to know what to tell the dudes father. Then I said I don’t know tell whatever you want, tell about the selfie. Then she goes how do you spell selfie?

Then she shows up yesterday and she asks me again whether I spoke to the fellow and whether I will, and when I said no, she tells me that there is another proposal and I better fucking agree to it and that she will be giving my number.

So yes. All over again.

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snobregal

I blow my own trumpet...

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