So what are your expectations?

“My expectations?”

I’d like to be left alone. I’d like to have nothing to do with you or with this whole meeting. I’d like to go home and watch a movie, listen to some music or just stare into space. Well unfortunately it is only in my head that I can say all these things. Instead I just say, “Well erm nothing much, you can’t really say..”

The above exchange transpired last night, at yet another ‘blind date’/ ‘husband finding mission’ set up by the family.

These dates are absolute torture. Lets take a typical date.

I come home home after work to find an outfit, usually a hideous one, laid out for me by the mother. Sometimes though the aunt who has a wee bit more fashion sense would disagree and substitute it with another one. I’d usually go with the hideous one, say for instance if the meeting is set up at home. Once I was actually asked whether I was going for a wedding and then it struck me, oh yeah the bling  outfit. Heh. If the meeting is out though I’d go for the other option because there are chances that I maybe seen by people I don’t want to be seen in this state.

“GO have a wash soon and get ready, we have to be there by 7.30”.

Right..So I don the outfit, put a touch of make up and await rest of the instructions? As expected the mother walks in, “what is this? put some make up on, I can’t see anything. something to light up your cheeks? Do your eyes. Put some lipstick, I cant see!”. Then she gets the aunts opinion and whoever else’s who’s  there. There is always someone there.

Err…

“Pull your hair back and tie it in a ponytail. What are all these pieces? SO ugly!”

Right…

Next comes the Jewellery. Gold Jewellery.

“Put these ear-rings on, the ones you are wearing aren’t bright enough”. Then she hands me a chain, a ring, and a bracelet. After a while she remembers that there is still room for a pendant. “You want to wear this pendant with the chain?” What? OMG!? I have a say? “No”.

And then she starts with the do’s and the don’ts.

“Here now talk nicely okay, ask him about his job, his interests. If he asks you about work tell him that you are working at the moment, but you are okay with giving up, I mean after all when the right time comes you have to noh?” The aunt adds,”just be diplomatic, we can only convince them later and slowly no. And you must also sacrifice, compromise..”.

More from the mother,

“Don’t keep your mouth like this” and she mocks, showing me how not to keep my mouth. “Just smile it lights up your face and then you look fairer”

“Don’t sit with your legs up” (legs crossed)

Now it’s time to go.

“Okay come soon now. No no not those shoes”.

“Did you apply cream to your feet?”

“Okay go and tell grandma, tell X, tell Y…What is your problem? Stop making that face!”

Grandma “Ill pray that you find a decent sweetheart”

An aunt quips, “tsk, go happily dear, what is this, go happily”.

Now we are in the vehicle, mother, father and the brother. The brother drives coolly. Mentions something about the rain.

Mother repeats the do’s and the don’ts. But she has more to say. “Ask for forgiveness from God”. Err WTF. “Say this” and she volunteers snippets of holy verses. I roll my eyes and whatsapp my friend.

“Put that away and listen to me”.

“What is wrong with you? Why are you making that face?”

I put my phone aside, lean back and close my eyes.

Finally we arrive at the destination and this time quite a fancy one at that. She asks me to go sit with my brother, and that I’ll be called when I’m needed, best order I got for the whole day.

So I go sit with the brother. We talk about how good the hotel looks after recent renovations, we compare it to another hotel. Then I inquire after his results. Then he tells me he has to pee and that he had to use the loo 5 times since 4.30. Random chit chat.

Half an hour and whatshisface and his family are still not to be seen.

“They’ll be here at 8.30”.

The mother comes to check up on us. “Sit up straight, sit on THIS chair, the lighting is better here. Put the shawl properly”.

Whatshisface and his family at the entrance. Finally.

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snobregal

I blow my own trumpet...

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